Jen...in a nutshell

I Know Who Holds Tomorrow

As a young girl I used to write letters to God. I never showed these to anyone. This was a part of my life that was precious to me...and I only wanted to share it with one other individual. In my letters I never addressed him as "God", "Lord", "Heavenly Father" or even "Jesus"...I started them all with "Dear Dad". Even at a young age I knew and valued the personal relationship I had with him...and the thoughts, feelings, questions I couldn't share with anyone else...I shared with him.

I miss that wonder I had as a young Christian...the complete trust and knowledge that I could give all my problems and heartaches to him. I shared the joys with him as well...but I knew that any burden I had I didn't have to carry it alone. Though I may not write letters anymore, I still talk to him...but, as an adult, I've let life and my own compulsion to "fix" everything myself overshadow my trust in God too often.

When I started this blog...I thought to myself "Why am I doing this? I'm basically the equivalent of Wonder Bread...I have nothing to talk about" (because for some delusional reason I thought it mattered what you blogged about and how it was important to be "entertaining" because OHM'GOSH...EVERYONE ON THE ENTIRE PLANET WILL SEE IT!!...pfft). Well...that right there is pretty much a summation of what goes on in my head on a daily basis. Only...if I were to give a more "accurate" summary of the track in my head it wouldn't have anything to do with the blog and it would go more like this: "I'm basically moldy, lumpy, disgusting, immature, self-deprecating Wonder Bread that screws stuff up, that no one in their right mind would associate with, let alone love or want to be friends with." (of course this begs the question: do I really want to associate with someone who would talk to moldy bread? Wait...why am comparing myself to bread?) I digress... ("I use humor as a defense mechanism")

I've discovered one GINORMOUS problem, among obvious others, with that completely outlandish thought-bomb I just dropped, and it's this: It's a slap in the face to God and a slap in the face to my family and friends. Basically, by telling myself these lies and believing them...I'm also, in a way, telling everyone else, all of those who love and care about me...that they're full of crap. "I love you" "I honestly don't know why, I'm pathetic, I'm nothing to write home about" *SLAP* "You have such a great sense of humor" "Yeah, well...when one looks like I do personality is all one has" *SLAP* *SLAP* Yes...these are actual responses from me.

Writing these kinds of things out...pains me...it leaves me heartbroken to realize just how toxic my comments actually are. That I actually have the nerve to throw kind sentiments back in someones face. I honestly don't understand where these thoughts come from. I know they're wrong, and damaging and yet I continue to do it...why? I know that I have good qualities...and I believe myself to be an honest, genuine person. It's very confusing though, because at the same time I'm asking myself..."can you claim to be an honest person...when you're constantly lying to yourself?"

It's like some horrible algebra equation that I can't figure out. Only it's not just any algebra equation it's the big one in the epic test of life, that has you sitting in a hard, unforgiving chair, nervously chewing your No. 2 pencil and praying to God that the clock would just shut up already with it's deafening TICK, TOCK, TICK...TOCK, TIIIICK......TOOOOOCK. It's the equation of all equations...The Mother Equation...that has you wanting to take a peek at the answer of the guy next to you just so you can get it over with already and move on to better things, like checking out the football players during practice. Or, for some, the big, beautiful, shiny vending machine at the end of the hall that holds your daily supply of crack...er caffeinated Pepsi. 

That's what I want to do. I want to move on. I want to be able to go clothes shopping and not get depressed and feel I can't shop at a particular store because I'm not thin or pretty enough. I want to be able to laugh and joke and be myself around everyone and not constantly worry that they think I'm idiot or worry that I might offend someone or hurt their feelings. I want to be able to accept a compliment and not play the negative track in my head. I want to fall in love...I want to allow myself to do that, instead of just shutting myself off completely to it and missing my chance because I'm worried no one will accept me and love me for who I am.

I want to live. Fully.

I believe there is a reason behind everything. I believe that God has a map of our life and there is no happenstance with that map, it is what it is...and you can't change it. We may take different routes and byways, but I believe there is one destination. This "starting a blog" thing didn't just happen, there's a reason it's become a different thing from what I had imagined it would be, not so personal. Actually, I think this is the most personal one yet...in fact I started writing it two days ago and let it sit in draft mode because I wasn't sure I wanted it out there. But...I've discovered I now enjoy writing...and it doesn't matter who reads it...friends, family, coworkers. Whether it's 0 people or THE ENTIRE WORLD, I do it for my mental sanity. This is a form of therapy...writing it all down. It's different than just thinking about it. In my case I can't trust my thoughts, I'm always second guessing myself, but writing it down puts truth to it, I can't hide it..."it's out there"...and, even though it may be painful to lay these thoughts and feelings down, it has helped a lot.

As I said, I still talk to God, much in the way I write these posts. It's the best therapy...it's not a formal Dear Lord, Sincerely Yours type of conversation. I talk to him the same way I would talk to my best friend, or my mom & dad. I don't believe it's sacrilegious or insulting. I humble myself before him...but I'm me. I need to believe that I'm being open and honest with him. If you can't have an intimate conversation with the one who sacrificed himself for you, who can you have an intimate conversation with?

When I'm this far down I take comfort in knowing that he's there and he can carry the burden. Sometimes it's a struggle...like I said, that child-like trusting is a hard one to summon...I'll give the burden to him, but at some point I'll wrestle it away. I need to have faith that he has a purpose for me, and also have confidence in knowing who I am, what I believe, and being able to accept myself. I have no idea what my future holds...but I do know that my decisions and how I view life determines which routes I take on the map. One destination, but the journey is what we make of it. I think it's safe to say my current route isn't exactly working for me, there's a lot more to learn.

So...here's to learning to live in the moment in harmony with oneself, and knowing who holds tomorrow.

Jorgé 28/365 The Spaces In-Between

During my last semester in college I took a stress management class. I figured that since I barely survived the self-induced OCDesigner stress of the previous semesters I'd better do a bit of damage control for the semester that featured my senior design project. Looking back, I'm pretty sure this was divine intervention, the only reason I'm still here. I also took a sign language class that semester...the only other non-graphic design class I had. I finished with an A-, but if you ask me to sign something like "where is the bathroom?" I couldn't do it even if you held a gun to my head, let alone the entire alphabet. I was basically on auto pilot for the last three months before I graduated. I actually went 50 hours straight between REM cycles, once, during finals week...even now my brain hiccups at the thought.

So yes, I was quite fond of my stress management class. I would've married my stress management class. I would actually sit in my other classes and fantasize about making-out with my stress management class. Loved it. I looked forward to it every week. I knew without a doubt, that, for an hour...a solid blessed hour!...I could pretend that things such as the pen tool and the forever-crashing Extensis Suitcase didn't exist...and that mat board, x-acto knives and 3M Super 77 Multipurpose Spray Adhesive were just figments of my imagination. Now that I think about it...I'm pretty sure that the "multipurpose" part of that spray included permanently coating and partially paralyzing the lungs, forever prohibiting one from taking any sufficient, deep breaths. I mean, it's actually stocked in the automotive section at Wal-Mart...that can't be good, right?

I realize what you may be thinking..."Jen, if it was so terrible, why do you do it as a profession?" Aside from the fact that design/creativity is pretty much an extension of me (so why not make money from it), all graphic designers will attest to a love/hate relationship with design. We love it until we're faced with dreaded deadlines, or we're answering the lofty demands of an art professor. 100 thumbnail sketches for a logo by tomorrow you say? 50 roughs the next morning? Nay, sir! Give me a friggin' candle I can stare at until I salivate unconsciously!

Enter: stress management class. You may laugh about the candle statement but I assure you that it was, indeed, one of the exercises we did in that class. Another exercise involved us sitting in the dark and eating apples. After each bite we were supposed to savor and "contemplate the apple"...the taste, smell, texture. How did we feeeel as we ate the apple...what colors did we seeee (wtf?) as we ate the apple? If you didn't have apple on the brain, you failed! Ha...okay, not really, but you get the idea. Every class ended with a ten minute session of diaphragmatic breathing...really deep, slow, concentrated breathing (I still do this technique when I'm having trouble sleeping). You were left feeling like a noodle afterwords *what happened to my bones?!* Every session, at it's end, let loose about 20 noodle-like individuals that proceeded to glide around the campus as if they were high. It was an added bonus that this class was right before lunch. Nap time!

So why the long introduction for a Jorgé post? Simple. I know an actual place that induces the same feelings I got after every stress management class (I thought, for about a second, of abbreviating "stress management" but...I decided not to, for obvious reasons). Actually...it's better than stress management class (gasp!)...I would actually cheat on stress management class with this place....because this place involves family and family history. This place is God's handiwork at it's finest, in my humble opinion. This place is Pennsylvania. Mid-western PA, to be exact. It's not only where my parents spent their first 40 years, and my sister her first 10. It's not where 95% percent of my extended family live or where I was even born. It's the place where my mind and heart resides, permanently. How I feel about this place is...inexplicable, really.

I got the opportunity to go back home in May for my Aunt Vi (mom's sis) and Uncle Dave's 50th wedding anniversary. It was the first time I had been back in seven years. Seven. Years. Seven years since I had sat on Aunt Vi's back porch, where I listened to and gazed at the rain...or watched the lightening bugs dance around at night. If PA is my favorite place, then Aunt Vi's back porch and yard are the heart of it. One exercise in stress management was to think of our "happy place"...can you guess what mine was? It was also my visual for a similar (although more epic) TurningLeaf meditation. As a girl I would take a mason jar and, at twilight, I'd go out into Aunt Vi's back yard and catch lightening bugs, which I would then put on my nightstand and watch before falling asleep. Just after it rains and the sun comes out is the best time to be in the back yard. There's a big Mock Orange tree/bush in the middle, which smells similar to a lilac bush. I swear, if they found a way to bottle the scent of Aunt Vi's backyard...I would buy stock in that stuff...for reals.

I could go on and on about this place. This last visit was probably the most fulfilling one yet. Having completed the majority of my +365 project, I was in a good place, mentally. This wasn't one of those "cram-it-all-in-in-6-days" kind of trip and for that I was grateful. I got to chillax in my favorite spot. Basically just think. Think about how wonderful life really is, and how fortunate I am. Sounds completely sappy, but it's the truth. I've had great opportunities and experiences...I have amazing people in my life, who I love dearly. Being able to have those kind of moments...makes all the crappy and stressful ones worth it. We need the balance...in order to appreciate both.

Since I've finished the +365 project, I've had some "setbacks", if you will. This past week was a bit brutal. I've had a lot going on in the past month and I think it caught up with me. I had sort of a mental breakdown. But, Friday, as I was finally editing some pics from my PA trip, I was able to recall the mental state I was in while there...and it helped to melt away a lot of the stress and fatigue.

After getting back, I realized I didn't have nearly the amount of photos I thought I had. I was too busy soaking in everything, I guess. Sometimes it's enough just to keep the images in your head, along with the memories of the other 4 senses attached to those images. But I do wish I was a better photographer, with a better camera...and better editing skills (ha! yeesh...) but here's a small glimpse of the place I (and Jorgé!) love:

(images will be at better quality at their actual size...click on the photos for a pop up version)

The infamous back porch...

Jorgé chillaxin' on the back porch...

The back yard...

 

The farm where my mom grew up. They've actually kept it in great condition, which I'm so happy for... 

 

 

 

 

At the time I was born we were living across the road from the farm. My dad used to go squirrel huntin' down this trail..."right near by"...

Really, this countryside is just minutes from any city. So beautiful. I love seeing all the barns. And they're all preserved and functional...used every day. I love that...*sigh* I want one...

 

 

These next barns are just a couple examples of what they call Mail Pouch barns. Essentially, they're advertisements for tobacco. People that owned the barns were paid for endorsing the product. More info here.

Hey look...here's a link to the same barn featured above. Who knew? It was kind of funny seeing that one, actually. My mom, for as long as I can remember, has always busted-out randomly with the jingle for Kentucky Club tobacco. "If....you....like...pipe-smoking mellow flavor!" yada yada. If you're wondering where I get my random singing from, look to her. And here's a link for the one below. I'm sure you find all this boring...the graphic designer in me geeks out at this kind of stuff. I would've loved to have seen this red one...very nice!

 

Covered bridges no longer serve their purpose around the area I was in, but they're cool just the same...

 

I love this little church, it's so perfect and serene to me. A lot of my deceased relatives rest here...including my grandma & grandpa on my mother's side...(stupid tree!)

 

 

The back steps of the grade school my dad attended. Obviously the building is long past it's functioning days...but I liked all the textures...

 

And I love the colors of this building & mural. This is in the town of Indiana, where I was born...

 

There's churches everywhere you turn, I'm particularly drawn to the ones with red doors...very nice. This was the first one I passed and it had me inevitably thinkin' of The Stones...but I don't want it black, I'm partial to the red ;)

 

 

I love going to "Amish country". Those people fascinate me. You can never get a straight-on picture of them as they don't believe in taking them. I guess you can get a zoomed-in photo, of course, but what I mean is...they'll never "pose" for one or let you get close. They consider pictures of people "graven images". I took this one while hanging out the window of my aunt's car...

 

Here's my favorite guy doin' what he does best at a family picnic :) (...and no, that's not Wilford Brimley)

 

One of the best things to do is hang out at Uncle Dave's cabin. This is the creek that runs along his property...

 

 

 

 

Nothin' beats a fire on a cool night...out in the fresh air...listening to dad play the guitar. Heaven...

 

Jorgé agrees...

 

Yowza...how's that for an epic-long post?

Wrong Number

Okay...so this post is going to feature some "colorful" language...but it's just too funny not to share.

So I was at work when...

Incoming Text From Unknown Number: DUDE LEAVE MY GIRL ALONE

Incoming Text From Unknown Number: GOT IT??

My Response: How about trying the right number next time. (Maybe you're not the right guy for her. You seem like a bit of an overzealous hot-head, what w/the ALL CAPS texting)

Incoming Text From Unknown Number: If I wasn't the right guy she would of not showed me what you said to her! Dumba** leave her alone!

My Response: Perhaps she's just trying to make you jealous...so dumping you will be easier. (dumba**? No, no...it was GREAT a**)

Incoming Text From Unknown Number: You're gay, seriously. And no you have it all wring b****, you're too ugly to get a girl, stop wasting your time!!

My Response: OK slow child, this was fun while it lasted but my coworkers & I have grown bored w/you. I think you need to refer back to my text about you having the wrong #.

Incoming Text From Unknown Number: No I don't! "if I said you had a beautiful body would you put it against me?" DOES THAT SOUND FAMILIAR B****! Are you desperate or what!

My Response: OK, wait...this just got interesting again. Am I a man or a woman in this scenario?

My Response: Oh...and it should be "hold it against me" not "put it against me"...I would've never said it like that.

Incoming Text From Unknown Number: Stop acting stupid!

My Response: Well what would you expect when you HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER? (does your mother know you have this number?)

Incoming Text From Unknown Number: Wtf! You must be desperate! I don't think she's into you, you should've seen the look on her face when she saw a picture of you. UGLY!!

Incoming Text From Unknown Number: Dude I'm 20!! Why the heck would you ask that!

My Response: 20? Really? Wow, your vocabulary sounds so much younger. So I don't know if I told you or not, but I think you may have the wrong number.

My Response: I am curious as to what the fuss is all about though...so maybe you could send a pic of said girlfriend?

Incoming Text From Unknown Number: Never gonna happen. So don't text back.

My Response: Finally. I'm so glad you've seen the error of your ways. It was "so nice" meeting you. Thanks for the laughs.

Sadly...that was the last of it. I was hoping to get one more rise out of Warren (this is what I have dubbed him...as in Empire Records...definitely an amateur) but he never took the bait. I would like to think that he really did catch on...but maybe that's just my undying optimism for a more intelligent "youth"...

So, Warren, wherever (whoever) you are...you gave me a good chuckle. Thanks little buddy.

Jorgé 27/365: PETA, eat your heart out!

July 1st, just another day at the office.

Wait..what the...?

Hmm...either Julie's gunnin' to be the next Oscar Mayer mascot...or...it's another birthday celebration at work! Hot DOG!

For those who don't know, Julie has a rather intense fascination with meat...as an icon as well as a food source. But really, who doesn't love a good brisket? Or an image of one?

The hamtastic meativities included a wacky photo shoot (as always) and a cook-out on the patio. Everyone brought their own choice of meat to throw on the grill and with all the fixin's and sides it was quite a lovely feast...complete with great weather, great company and great conversation, including the discussion of different cuts of meat and the worst kissing scenes.

Party Foul or Irony Win? (just for the record, we didn't make her wear that hot dog suit. She volunteered. Just one of the many reasons why we love her buns)

I know what you must be thinking. Our favorite little pork chop has been MIA. It's true...he's been a bit of a recluse. Seems like the only activities I can get him to participate in lately are birthday's. Specifically those that involve mass quantities of food. Man, he's such a pi...

Anyway...no Beefday would be complete without a card...that looks like a giant steak...shaped like Africa.

On another note...July 1st also marked the day I could drink soda again. I gave myself a challenge to stick it out and not drink ANY soda until July. 58 days. So I was more than happy to crack a cold one in honor of J.D. Pepsi is my brew of choice, and yes, it was DE-vine. I couldn't finish it though...which I think is a good sign. I really don't think I'll be back to drinking it like I was...despite what's goin' on in these pictures...

+344/365 Questions? Comments?

I've learned that not all of life's questions, for me personally anyway, have an immediate answer. I'm not just talking about everyday questions either, such as:

"tennies or flip-flops?"

"stairs or elevator?"

"left/right?" "

Obama/Nobama?"

"Will this finally be the day that I cave after 55 days of being Soda-Sober?"

To question everything can actually be limiting. Not those "silly" questions I just mentioned, but more of the sort that would hold us back from experiencing...well...life, to put it plainly. Giving all your energy to every "How?" and "Why?" can very well lead you down a narrow thought path. Especially if the type of questions are like the ones I've been expressing in some recent blog posts:

"What do others think of me?"

"Why did I say/do that? Did I offend them?"

And let's not forget the favorite question everyone is guilty of asking:

"Why me? Why does this keep happening to me?"

Let's face it...these are the easiest questions to ask, right? They're being voiced by human nature. For some I think they may speak much louder and more frequent ;)

Of course there's always another side to the fence. Complacency. To never ask questions can actually have the same effect...it can keep us from growing. I think it just comes down to what kind of questions are being asked...and how are we responding to them. Questions that are more positively thought-provoking:

"Is finding complete truth (about life, creation) actually something that can be obtained by ourselves?"

"What does it mean to be content?"

"What is it in life that defines me?"

"What am I allowing to define me and is that truly who I am?"

"How can I use my talent/education/resources to benefit others?"

True, some questions may not ever be answered, in ones lifetime, or at all. But sometimes it's enough to simply ask...and open up your mind to new thought. I think that's the key...you never know what you'll be introduced to unless you allow yourself to open a few doors.

This morning didn't get off to the best start for me, thought-wise. First of all, I find waking up any time before 8 AM on a weekend unnatural. So when I did in fact wake, before 8 this morning, I played possum...ignoring the sunlight filtering through the curtains and the little annoying voice in the back of my head saying "This is you. Not sleeping. Wakey-Wakey!" (I'm gonna take a moment to say that I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, and this proves it. Whoever created that is my soul mate).

Anyhow, no I wasn't sleeping, I couldn't fall back to sleep because my mind wouldn't shut off. The questions running through it? "What am I doing with my life?" "Why am I holding myself back?" "Why can't I let myself go and be who I am around everyone, all the time, without worrying what they may think?" And the biggest question: "When will I finally shed these insecurities completely and get on with my life?"

I didn't dwell on those questions for very long. I basically told myself that, although I may not have/get immediate answers to those questions, I CAN control what I'm thinking and what I'm doing at present. I AM taking steps to "retrain my brain". It's what this whole project is about. Having reminded myself of that this morning, I was also reminded of the fact that I had forgotten to post a positive for yesterday. So, here we are.

While typing this post, I (surprise!) am asking myself another question. "How is it that I came to be sitting here...talking about all this 'personal stuff' on my blog?" My OPEN blog. That any Joe Blow (and Jane!) could stumble upon. But wait...screw those guys (no hostility there, really)...what about the people reading this that actually know me? And see me on a regular basis?

The answer to this question: Two years ago I attended a "self-help" seminar, if you will. I always smirked at those type of things. After seeing the changes in my sister & brother-in-law let's just say I was more easily persuaded by them to go. "More easily" yes, but what sent me over the edge of the cliff, so to speak, were these simple words from my sister:

"I can't see my Jen anymore."

Okay wow (why is it suddenly raining on my face?) She went on to say that it was like I was building a wall around myself and how sad it was to witness it. That floored me. It's one thing to be absorbed in one's own self and wallow in selfish misery...but the realization that I was causing my family ANY amount of undue pain, literally did me in.

So, needlessly to say, I opened up a new door.

There are many seminars like the one I attended around the globe, I'm sure. I won't talk about specifics with the TurningLeaf seminar (please don't judge it by the website design) as I believe it is truly something you have to experience in person. To talk about it in detail would take away from any open and honest experience you might have. And I can assure you that it would be a profound moment for you. It was, for me, probably one of the most intensely personal & profound moments of my life (other than my salvation).

I'm not laying all this out because I want sympathy. I'm not telling you this as a result of some bizarre sort of ego trip. Although I haven't gone into exacting detail of what I struggle with in any of my posts, I've shared what I have because there are benefits for everyone involved. I believe it. Being among a group of open and honest individuals at that seminar opened up my eyes, and heart, to people in general. We all have our demons that we fight with. Talking about them (and, of course, the joys!) is a GOOD thing...when it's all coming from an honest place. It truly is a strength to admit our weaknesses.

And all of this came from one little question:

"How do I get myself out of this funk?"

+328/365 Something to Embrace

Great thought, isn't it? My team mate Julie shared that with us today.

For the most part, I think I do pretty well considering the comfort of others, but there are definitely times when I feel so passionate about something that I let it cloud my eyes from seeing someone else's view, possibly to the point that I offend them...and what started out as something as simple as differing opinions has suddenly been blown out of proportion, leaving each party angry or hurt...defeated.

This also brings to my mind something else I'm really good at doing, two things, actually; over-analyzing and apologizing. For one thing I care far too much what others think of me. And I'm constantly worried that I'm offending or annoying people with my insecurities, or when I happen to say really stupid things (it's something that has plagued me all my life, haha) so I always feel this need to apologize. I tend to tell myself stories, read too heavily into the actions/words of others...and take them personally. Not only is this self-destructive but it can also cause discomfort in others.

Now that last comment isn't in support of the whole "worrying what others think" thing that I just mentioned, not really, I just don't want people to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me. This is my issue that I have to deal with...it really has nothing to do with anyone else. We can't project our thoughts and feelings, our actions, on others. We can't assume we know what they're thinking. 9.99 chances out of 10 they're not thinking of you anyway...they're too busy living inside their own heads with their own life.

It's interesting how I can sit here and despense all these great insights, most of which I've garnered from friends and various articles and such, but still fall victim to it time and time again. "Practice what you preach" might just be the most ironic phrase man has ever uttered.

+325/365 Something's Different

"That sure is a long tweet"

"Yep"

"Why don'tcha just blog it?"

"Too short"

"Just do it"

"Fine"

This riveting conversation happened moments ago when I was coming up with today's positive. Just in case any of my other friends & family are reading this and thinking "Gee, Jen caves pretty easy...wonder what else I can make her do"...please refrain from asking as I can't say "no" and I really don't want to do anything you ask me to do. No wait. That came out...I would certainly do anything for my family and friends, I just don't want to do some mundane thing anyone thought up on a whim, just because I DO cave so easily. And now that my attempt at a very dry and sarcastic joke has tanked, and this "short entry" is no longer, not to mention the possible "pissing-off" of several people, let's move on to the positive...

+325/365 I feel like I've been wearing my heart on my sleeve for the past several months. This is something new. A couple years ago I would've cut off said sleeve (with arm) before I hung myself out on the line, so to speak. Miraculously I'm not embarrassed by this at all. This is me, take it or leave it.

Side Note: Did anyone (in Utah) take notice to the clouds over the Wasatch mountains last Saturday? Redonkulous. Seriously...I have a thing for clouds and that was a total eyegasm. I didn't get any pics (bummer) but I shot this the next day. I'm not saying this is even remotely close to the beauty of last Saturday (because it isn't, not by a long shot)...but I liked the abstract quality of it. Something that you kind of get lost in, and your thoughts start to wander. Perhaps you start to think about something other than the sun and clouds...maybe the meaning of life or love? Perhaps you start seeing little cloud people...building little cloud colonies. No?

Yeah...I think this picture's got me all high and stuff.

Who's on munchies, yo? Could somebody go pick up some Funions?

Jorgé 26/365: Good Fortune

A few weeks ago we celebrated the birthday of the lovely and talented Andrea. Yep, if you haven't guessed it by now, we're crazy about birthdays. The theme was good fortune. I think Andrea got the best one, which is quite appropriate, don't you think?

Jorgé and I were both pretty stoked with his fortune because as it turns out we were, in fact, going on a little trip. We're back from that trip and I'll tell ya right now, "pleasant & successful" is an understatement...more on that later ;)

+298/365 It's a rare thing...

...for me to ever feel comfortable in my own skin.

(and yes, just so ya know, this is another story about me :) I'm on a roll lately, it seems)

Yep, rare indeed. Not today, though. For some inexplicable reason it felt good to be me. Despite having a weary brain that needs a vay-cay (ha!) I've been really upbeat...which is also rare when I have a LOT on my plate. This whole thinking more positively thing really has me looking at my life a bit differently...

So, here's to feelin' good in my own skin today and not taking myself too seriously ;)

Angus face!

Logan Skies - (the one where Jen's brain takes an unfortunate & untimely dump)

Every now & then I'll go through old photos that I have...either ones stored digitally or ones that have been hidden away in boxes. It's kinda fun to look back and think about life at that time, what I was doing/thinking, what others in my life were doing, etc. I know that, a couple posts ago, I talked about how focusing on the past can be a negative. Dwelling on past pain, past mistakes...actually living there mentally hoping for a change, yes it's unhealthy and counter-productive. But then there's looking at your past as a journey, recalling all the things you did, of the people you've met. That's the best part of it! We can't ignore our past, it's there as a testament of our life, of who we are...and it should be embraced. All of it, the bad and the good. The key lies in how we view our past. For the painful parts it's about learning to say (hopefully): "Yeah, that sucked (for lack of a better word) but it was a trial I was meant to go through, it made me stronger and I'm moving on." For the good parts...well, I think it's a given :)

Uhhh...wow...it's amazing the tangets I can get on. And redundant tangents at that. All I was planning on doing was post some pics I found from my college days when I lived in Logan...GOSH!

BUT...Rather than give into my OCD impulse of wanting to delete that whole thing, up there...all...that in the first...para...I'm gonna view it as a sign that this is something I really need to ingrain in myself. It's obvious I wanted to say it, right? I mean...I didn't even take a "breath" through the whole thing and...("Hi! Jen's brain here...I think I've only gotten a total of maybe 30 hours of sleep this week...Awesome! I like gerbils! Banana! Israeli-Palestinian-Conflict Muffins! >8< Spider Pride! I NEED tacos!!)

Okay...here's some pics:

Crap...now I have to be super-short in my description of this (we all know I love me some over-explaining) because chances are you're sick of me...I'm kinda-sorta sick of myself. Actually...chances are you stopped reading this all-together, after you managed to read that tiny type because that small glipse into my tired brain scared the B-Jeebus outta ya. So...I'm just gonna go ahead...(I think I'm gonna have to change the name of this post...)

The point-and-shoot camera I had in college wasn't the best. I mean, it got the job done...but one thing I loved about it was how it read color. Awesome. Spot on. And for this reason I always grabbed it for sunset pictures. I LOVE sunsets. My roomies and I (holla!) lived in a townhouse complex on the northern west-side. It was literally on the edge of town, so beyond us, to the west, was mostly open fields. This left a perfect, unobstructed view of the far mountains...and the glorious sky! (did you hear trumpets sound? I did!). I didn't do anything to these photos except resize them. This is really what the sunsets are like up there...all the time...it was one of my favorite parts of living there.

Like I said...not the best quality...but yowza.