As a young girl I used to write letters to God. I never showed these to anyone. This was a part of my life that was precious to me...and I only wanted to share it with one other individual. In my letters I never addressed him as "God", "Lord", "Heavenly Father" or even "Jesus"...I started them all with "Dear Dad". Even at a young age I knew and valued the personal relationship I had with him...and the thoughts, feelings, questions I couldn't share with anyone else...I shared with him.
I miss that wonder I had as a young Christian...the complete trust and knowledge that I could give all my problems and heartaches to him. I shared the joys with him as well...but I knew that any burden I had I didn't have to carry it alone. Though I may not write letters anymore, I still talk to him...but, as an adult, I've let life and my own compulsion to "fix" everything myself overshadow my trust in God too often.
When I started this blog...I thought to myself "Why am I doing this? I'm basically the equivalent of Wonder Bread...I have nothing to talk about" (because for some delusional reason I thought it mattered what you blogged about and how it was important to be "entertaining" because OHM'GOSH...EVERYONE ON THE ENTIRE PLANET WILL SEE IT!!...pfft). Well...that right there is pretty much a summation of what goes on in my head on a daily basis. Only...if I were to give a more "accurate" summary of the track in my head it wouldn't have anything to do with the blog and it would go more like this: "I'm basically moldy, lumpy, disgusting, immature, self-deprecating Wonder Bread that screws stuff up, that no one in their right mind would associate with, let alone love or want to be friends with." (of course this begs the question: do I really want to associate with someone who would talk to moldy bread? Wait...why am comparing myself to bread?) I digress... ("I use humor as a defense mechanism")
I've discovered one GINORMOUS problem, among obvious others, with that completely outlandish thought-bomb I just dropped, and it's this: It's a slap in the face to God and a slap in the face to my family and friends. Basically, by telling myself these lies and believing them...I'm also, in a way, telling everyone else, all of those who love and care about me...that they're full of crap. "I love you" "I honestly don't know why, I'm pathetic, I'm nothing to write home about" *SLAP* "You have such a great sense of humor" "Yeah, well...when one looks like I do personality is all one has" *SLAP* *SLAP* Yes...these are actual responses from me.
Writing these kinds of things out...pains me...it leaves me heartbroken to realize just how toxic my comments actually are. That I actually have the nerve to throw kind sentiments back in someones face. I honestly don't understand where these thoughts come from. I know they're wrong, and damaging and yet I continue to do it...why? I know that I have good qualities...and I believe myself to be an honest, genuine person. It's very confusing though, because at the same time I'm asking myself..."can you claim to be an honest person...when you're constantly lying to yourself?"
It's like some horrible algebra equation that I can't figure out. Only it's not just any algebra equation it's the big one in the epic test of life, that has you sitting in a hard, unforgiving chair, nervously chewing your No. 2 pencil and praying to God that the clock would just shut up already with it's deafening TICK, TOCK, TICK...TOCK, TIIIICK......TOOOOOCK. It's the equation of all equations...The Mother Equation...that has you wanting to take a peek at the answer of the guy next to you just so you can get it over with already and move on to better things, like checking out the football players during practice. Or, for some, the big, beautiful, shiny vending machine at the end of the hall that holds your daily supply of crack...er caffeinated Pepsi.
That's what I want to do. I want to move on. I want to be able to go clothes shopping and not get depressed and feel I can't shop at a particular store because I'm not thin or pretty enough. I want to be able to laugh and joke and be myself around everyone and not constantly worry that they think I'm idiot or worry that I might offend someone or hurt their feelings. I want to be able to accept a compliment and not play the negative track in my head. I want to fall in love...I want to allow myself to do that, instead of just shutting myself off completely to it and missing my chance because I'm worried no one will accept me and love me for who I am.
I want to live. Fully.
I believe there is a reason behind everything. I believe that God has a map of our life and there is no happenstance with that map, it is what it is...and you can't change it. We may take different routes and byways, but I believe there is one destination. This "starting a blog" thing didn't just happen, there's a reason it's become a different thing from what I had imagined it would be, not so personal. Actually, I think this is the most personal one yet...in fact I started writing it two days ago and let it sit in draft mode because I wasn't sure I wanted it out there. But...I've discovered I now enjoy writing...and it doesn't matter who reads it...friends, family, coworkers. Whether it's 0 people or THE ENTIRE WORLD, I do it for my mental sanity. This is a form of therapy...writing it all down. It's different than just thinking about it. In my case I can't trust my thoughts, I'm always second guessing myself, but writing it down puts truth to it, I can't hide it..."it's out there"...and, even though it may be painful to lay these thoughts and feelings down, it has helped a lot.
As I said, I still talk to God, much in the way I write these posts. It's the best therapy...it's not a formal Dear Lord, Sincerely Yours type of conversation. I talk to him the same way I would talk to my best friend, or my mom & dad. I don't believe it's sacrilegious or insulting. I humble myself before him...but I'm me. I need to believe that I'm being open and honest with him. If you can't have an intimate conversation with the one who sacrificed himself for you, who can you have an intimate conversation with?
When I'm this far down I take comfort in knowing that he's there and he can carry the burden. Sometimes it's a struggle...like I said, that child-like trusting is a hard one to summon...I'll give the burden to him, but at some point I'll wrestle it away. I need to have faith that he has a purpose for me, and also have confidence in knowing who I am, what I believe, and being able to accept myself. I have no idea what my future holds...but I do know that my decisions and how I view life determines which routes I take on the map. One destination, but the journey is what we make of it. I think it's safe to say my current route isn't exactly working for me, there's a lot more to learn.
So...here's to learning to live in the moment in harmony with oneself, and knowing who holds tomorrow.