Jen...in a nutshell

Jorgé 28/365 The Spaces In-Between

During my last semester in college I took a stress management class. I figured that since I barely survived the self-induced OCDesigner stress of the previous semesters I'd better do a bit of damage control for the semester that featured my senior design project. Looking back, I'm pretty sure this was divine intervention, the only reason I'm still here. I also took a sign language class that semester...the only other non-graphic design class I had. I finished with an A-, but if you ask me to sign something like "where is the bathroom?" I couldn't do it even if you held a gun to my head, let alone the entire alphabet. I was basically on auto pilot for the last three months before I graduated. I actually went 50 hours straight between REM cycles, once, during finals week...even now my brain hiccups at the thought.

So yes, I was quite fond of my stress management class. I would've married my stress management class. I would actually sit in my other classes and fantasize about making-out with my stress management class. Loved it. I looked forward to it every week. I knew without a doubt, that, for an hour...a solid blessed hour!...I could pretend that things such as the pen tool and the forever-crashing Extensis Suitcase didn't exist...and that mat board, x-acto knives and 3M Super 77 Multipurpose Spray Adhesive were just figments of my imagination. Now that I think about it...I'm pretty sure that the "multipurpose" part of that spray included permanently coating and partially paralyzing the lungs, forever prohibiting one from taking any sufficient, deep breaths. I mean, it's actually stocked in the automotive section at Wal-Mart...that can't be good, right?

I realize what you may be thinking..."Jen, if it was so terrible, why do you do it as a profession?" Aside from the fact that design/creativity is pretty much an extension of me (so why not make money from it), all graphic designers will attest to a love/hate relationship with design. We love it until we're faced with dreaded deadlines, or we're answering the lofty demands of an art professor. 100 thumbnail sketches for a logo by tomorrow you say? 50 roughs the next morning? Nay, sir! Give me a friggin' candle I can stare at until I salivate unconsciously!

Enter: stress management class. You may laugh about the candle statement but I assure you that it was, indeed, one of the exercises we did in that class. Another exercise involved us sitting in the dark and eating apples. After each bite we were supposed to savor and "contemplate the apple"...the taste, smell, texture. How did we feeeel as we ate the apple...what colors did we seeee (wtf?) as we ate the apple? If you didn't have apple on the brain, you failed! Ha...okay, not really, but you get the idea. Every class ended with a ten minute session of diaphragmatic breathing...really deep, slow, concentrated breathing (I still do this technique when I'm having trouble sleeping). You were left feeling like a noodle afterwords *what happened to my bones?!* Every session, at it's end, let loose about 20 noodle-like individuals that proceeded to glide around the campus as if they were high. It was an added bonus that this class was right before lunch. Nap time!

So why the long introduction for a Jorgé post? Simple. I know an actual place that induces the same feelings I got after every stress management class (I thought, for about a second, of abbreviating "stress management" but...I decided not to, for obvious reasons). Actually...it's better than stress management class (gasp!)...I would actually cheat on stress management class with this place....because this place involves family and family history. This place is God's handiwork at it's finest, in my humble opinion. This place is Pennsylvania. Mid-western PA, to be exact. It's not only where my parents spent their first 40 years, and my sister her first 10. It's not where 95% percent of my extended family live or where I was even born. It's the place where my mind and heart resides, permanently. How I feel about this place is...inexplicable, really.

I got the opportunity to go back home in May for my Aunt Vi (mom's sis) and Uncle Dave's 50th wedding anniversary. It was the first time I had been back in seven years. Seven. Years. Seven years since I had sat on Aunt Vi's back porch, where I listened to and gazed at the rain...or watched the lightening bugs dance around at night. If PA is my favorite place, then Aunt Vi's back porch and yard are the heart of it. One exercise in stress management was to think of our "happy place"...can you guess what mine was? It was also my visual for a similar (although more epic) TurningLeaf meditation. As a girl I would take a mason jar and, at twilight, I'd go out into Aunt Vi's back yard and catch lightening bugs, which I would then put on my nightstand and watch before falling asleep. Just after it rains and the sun comes out is the best time to be in the back yard. There's a big Mock Orange tree/bush in the middle, which smells similar to a lilac bush. I swear, if they found a way to bottle the scent of Aunt Vi's backyard...I would buy stock in that stuff...for reals.

I could go on and on about this place. This last visit was probably the most fulfilling one yet. Having completed the majority of my +365 project, I was in a good place, mentally. This wasn't one of those "cram-it-all-in-in-6-days" kind of trip and for that I was grateful. I got to chillax in my favorite spot. Basically just think. Think about how wonderful life really is, and how fortunate I am. Sounds completely sappy, but it's the truth. I've had great opportunities and experiences...I have amazing people in my life, who I love dearly. Being able to have those kind of moments...makes all the crappy and stressful ones worth it. We need the balance...in order to appreciate both.

Since I've finished the +365 project, I've had some "setbacks", if you will. This past week was a bit brutal. I've had a lot going on in the past month and I think it caught up with me. I had sort of a mental breakdown. But, Friday, as I was finally editing some pics from my PA trip, I was able to recall the mental state I was in while there...and it helped to melt away a lot of the stress and fatigue.

After getting back, I realized I didn't have nearly the amount of photos I thought I had. I was too busy soaking in everything, I guess. Sometimes it's enough just to keep the images in your head, along with the memories of the other 4 senses attached to those images. But I do wish I was a better photographer, with a better camera...and better editing skills (ha! yeesh...) but here's a small glimpse of the place I (and Jorgé!) love:

(images will be at better quality at their actual size...click on the photos for a pop up version)

The infamous back porch...

Jorgé chillaxin' on the back porch...

The back yard...

 

The farm where my mom grew up. They've actually kept it in great condition, which I'm so happy for... 

 

 

 

 

At the time I was born we were living across the road from the farm. My dad used to go squirrel huntin' down this trail..."right near by"...

Really, this countryside is just minutes from any city. So beautiful. I love seeing all the barns. And they're all preserved and functional...used every day. I love that...*sigh* I want one...

 

 

These next barns are just a couple examples of what they call Mail Pouch barns. Essentially, they're advertisements for tobacco. People that owned the barns were paid for endorsing the product. More info here.

Hey look...here's a link to the same barn featured above. Who knew? It was kind of funny seeing that one, actually. My mom, for as long as I can remember, has always busted-out randomly with the jingle for Kentucky Club tobacco. "If....you....like...pipe-smoking mellow flavor!" yada yada. If you're wondering where I get my random singing from, look to her. And here's a link for the one below. I'm sure you find all this boring...the graphic designer in me geeks out at this kind of stuff. I would've loved to have seen this red one...very nice!

 

Covered bridges no longer serve their purpose around the area I was in, but they're cool just the same...

 

I love this little church, it's so perfect and serene to me. A lot of my deceased relatives rest here...including my grandma & grandpa on my mother's side...(stupid tree!)

 

 

The back steps of the grade school my dad attended. Obviously the building is long past it's functioning days...but I liked all the textures...

 

And I love the colors of this building & mural. This is in the town of Indiana, where I was born...

 

There's churches everywhere you turn, I'm particularly drawn to the ones with red doors...very nice. This was the first one I passed and it had me inevitably thinkin' of The Stones...but I don't want it black, I'm partial to the red ;)

 

 

I love going to "Amish country". Those people fascinate me. You can never get a straight-on picture of them as they don't believe in taking them. I guess you can get a zoomed-in photo, of course, but what I mean is...they'll never "pose" for one or let you get close. They consider pictures of people "graven images". I took this one while hanging out the window of my aunt's car...

 

Here's my favorite guy doin' what he does best at a family picnic :) (...and no, that's not Wilford Brimley)

 

One of the best things to do is hang out at Uncle Dave's cabin. This is the creek that runs along his property...

 

 

 

 

Nothin' beats a fire on a cool night...out in the fresh air...listening to dad play the guitar. Heaven...

 

Jorgé agrees...

 

Yowza...how's that for an epic-long post?

+344/365 Questions? Comments?

I've learned that not all of life's questions, for me personally anyway, have an immediate answer. I'm not just talking about everyday questions either, such as:

"tennies or flip-flops?"

"stairs or elevator?"

"left/right?" "

Obama/Nobama?"

"Will this finally be the day that I cave after 55 days of being Soda-Sober?"

To question everything can actually be limiting. Not those "silly" questions I just mentioned, but more of the sort that would hold us back from experiencing...well...life, to put it plainly. Giving all your energy to every "How?" and "Why?" can very well lead you down a narrow thought path. Especially if the type of questions are like the ones I've been expressing in some recent blog posts:

"What do others think of me?"

"Why did I say/do that? Did I offend them?"

And let's not forget the favorite question everyone is guilty of asking:

"Why me? Why does this keep happening to me?"

Let's face it...these are the easiest questions to ask, right? They're being voiced by human nature. For some I think they may speak much louder and more frequent ;)

Of course there's always another side to the fence. Complacency. To never ask questions can actually have the same effect...it can keep us from growing. I think it just comes down to what kind of questions are being asked...and how are we responding to them. Questions that are more positively thought-provoking:

"Is finding complete truth (about life, creation) actually something that can be obtained by ourselves?"

"What does it mean to be content?"

"What is it in life that defines me?"

"What am I allowing to define me and is that truly who I am?"

"How can I use my talent/education/resources to benefit others?"

True, some questions may not ever be answered, in ones lifetime, or at all. But sometimes it's enough to simply ask...and open up your mind to new thought. I think that's the key...you never know what you'll be introduced to unless you allow yourself to open a few doors.

This morning didn't get off to the best start for me, thought-wise. First of all, I find waking up any time before 8 AM on a weekend unnatural. So when I did in fact wake, before 8 this morning, I played possum...ignoring the sunlight filtering through the curtains and the little annoying voice in the back of my head saying "This is you. Not sleeping. Wakey-Wakey!" (I'm gonna take a moment to say that I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, and this proves it. Whoever created that is my soul mate).

Anyhow, no I wasn't sleeping, I couldn't fall back to sleep because my mind wouldn't shut off. The questions running through it? "What am I doing with my life?" "Why am I holding myself back?" "Why can't I let myself go and be who I am around everyone, all the time, without worrying what they may think?" And the biggest question: "When will I finally shed these insecurities completely and get on with my life?"

I didn't dwell on those questions for very long. I basically told myself that, although I may not have/get immediate answers to those questions, I CAN control what I'm thinking and what I'm doing at present. I AM taking steps to "retrain my brain". It's what this whole project is about. Having reminded myself of that this morning, I was also reminded of the fact that I had forgotten to post a positive for yesterday. So, here we are.

While typing this post, I (surprise!) am asking myself another question. "How is it that I came to be sitting here...talking about all this 'personal stuff' on my blog?" My OPEN blog. That any Joe Blow (and Jane!) could stumble upon. But wait...screw those guys (no hostility there, really)...what about the people reading this that actually know me? And see me on a regular basis?

The answer to this question: Two years ago I attended a "self-help" seminar, if you will. I always smirked at those type of things. After seeing the changes in my sister & brother-in-law let's just say I was more easily persuaded by them to go. "More easily" yes, but what sent me over the edge of the cliff, so to speak, were these simple words from my sister:

"I can't see my Jen anymore."

Okay wow (why is it suddenly raining on my face?) She went on to say that it was like I was building a wall around myself and how sad it was to witness it. That floored me. It's one thing to be absorbed in one's own self and wallow in selfish misery...but the realization that I was causing my family ANY amount of undue pain, literally did me in.

So, needlessly to say, I opened up a new door.

There are many seminars like the one I attended around the globe, I'm sure. I won't talk about specifics with the TurningLeaf seminar (please don't judge it by the website design) as I believe it is truly something you have to experience in person. To talk about it in detail would take away from any open and honest experience you might have. And I can assure you that it would be a profound moment for you. It was, for me, probably one of the most intensely personal & profound moments of my life (other than my salvation).

I'm not laying all this out because I want sympathy. I'm not telling you this as a result of some bizarre sort of ego trip. Although I haven't gone into exacting detail of what I struggle with in any of my posts, I've shared what I have because there are benefits for everyone involved. I believe it. Being among a group of open and honest individuals at that seminar opened up my eyes, and heart, to people in general. We all have our demons that we fight with. Talking about them (and, of course, the joys!) is a GOOD thing...when it's all coming from an honest place. It truly is a strength to admit our weaknesses.

And all of this came from one little question:

"How do I get myself out of this funk?"

+328/365 Something to Embrace

Great thought, isn't it? My team mate Julie shared that with us today.

For the most part, I think I do pretty well considering the comfort of others, but there are definitely times when I feel so passionate about something that I let it cloud my eyes from seeing someone else's view, possibly to the point that I offend them...and what started out as something as simple as differing opinions has suddenly been blown out of proportion, leaving each party angry or hurt...defeated.

This also brings to my mind something else I'm really good at doing, two things, actually; over-analyzing and apologizing. For one thing I care far too much what others think of me. And I'm constantly worried that I'm offending or annoying people with my insecurities, or when I happen to say really stupid things (it's something that has plagued me all my life, haha) so I always feel this need to apologize. I tend to tell myself stories, read too heavily into the actions/words of others...and take them personally. Not only is this self-destructive but it can also cause discomfort in others.

Now that last comment isn't in support of the whole "worrying what others think" thing that I just mentioned, not really, I just don't want people to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me. This is my issue that I have to deal with...it really has nothing to do with anyone else. We can't project our thoughts and feelings, our actions, on others. We can't assume we know what they're thinking. 9.99 chances out of 10 they're not thinking of you anyway...they're too busy living inside their own heads with their own life.

It's interesting how I can sit here and despense all these great insights, most of which I've garnered from friends and various articles and such, but still fall victim to it time and time again. "Practice what you preach" might just be the most ironic phrase man has ever uttered.

+325/365 Something's Different

"That sure is a long tweet"

"Yep"

"Why don'tcha just blog it?"

"Too short"

"Just do it"

"Fine"

This riveting conversation happened moments ago when I was coming up with today's positive. Just in case any of my other friends & family are reading this and thinking "Gee, Jen caves pretty easy...wonder what else I can make her do"...please refrain from asking as I can't say "no" and I really don't want to do anything you ask me to do. No wait. That came out...I would certainly do anything for my family and friends, I just don't want to do some mundane thing anyone thought up on a whim, just because I DO cave so easily. And now that my attempt at a very dry and sarcastic joke has tanked, and this "short entry" is no longer, not to mention the possible "pissing-off" of several people, let's move on to the positive...

+325/365 I feel like I've been wearing my heart on my sleeve for the past several months. This is something new. A couple years ago I would've cut off said sleeve (with arm) before I hung myself out on the line, so to speak. Miraculously I'm not embarrassed by this at all. This is me, take it or leave it.

Side Note: Did anyone (in Utah) take notice to the clouds over the Wasatch mountains last Saturday? Redonkulous. Seriously...I have a thing for clouds and that was a total eyegasm. I didn't get any pics (bummer) but I shot this the next day. I'm not saying this is even remotely close to the beauty of last Saturday (because it isn't, not by a long shot)...but I liked the abstract quality of it. Something that you kind of get lost in, and your thoughts start to wander. Perhaps you start to think about something other than the sun and clouds...maybe the meaning of life or love? Perhaps you start seeing little cloud people...building little cloud colonies. No?

Yeah...I think this picture's got me all high and stuff.

Who's on munchies, yo? Could somebody go pick up some Funions?

+298/365 It's a rare thing...

...for me to ever feel comfortable in my own skin.

(and yes, just so ya know, this is another story about me :) I'm on a roll lately, it seems)

Yep, rare indeed. Not today, though. For some inexplicable reason it felt good to be me. Despite having a weary brain that needs a vay-cay (ha!) I've been really upbeat...which is also rare when I have a LOT on my plate. This whole thinking more positively thing really has me looking at my life a bit differently...

So, here's to feelin' good in my own skin today and not taking myself too seriously ;)

Angus face!

+289/365 Some Walls Must Fall

Today I found some old (and not so hot...ha!) images I took several years ago and I thought I'd serve myself some "food for thought". There are specific parts of my life that I've built walls around. Sometimes I ponder what I've missed out on...what I could've experienced had I just been open to it. I hate that fear. It's been exhausting at times. It truly does take more effort to focus on the negative. We were not built for that. I know we weren't because it's damaging mentally as well as physically. I have to learn that I can't change, or continue to live, in the past. I have too many years left with this gift of life to spend it looking over my shoulder and constantly wondering "what if...?"

Instead I'm going to ask..."what's next?" Hopefully you are too :)

Lyrics featured are from the song "Walls" by Cara Dillon (I remembered this time!)

Carry On

I feel the need to put some positive energy (imagery) out into the air...I woke up to a dreary, grey day. Rather appropriate, perhaps. Today marks a day of change. A change that I wish didn't have to come. Today my company will be announcing layoffs. Today...I will no doubt be saying goodbye to many friends...and that's the hardest part. It's not about whether or not I lose my job...it's about the people...and the great relationships I've had with them. I feel truly blessed to have had the opportunity to work with such amazing individuals. So...regardless of the outcome, I wish everyone a happy journey. Carry on...

EDIT: I've had some people ask if I wrote the words below...ha! It's one of my favorite songs, actually. Jen gets a FAIL for not listing the artist. Have It All - Jeremy Kay

Some days I feel like crying
It don't matter if it's rain or shine
I feel like my heart was broken
At least a million times

Some days I wake up dreaming
Feels like I've never even woke
I answer life's big questions
As if it's one big joke

Some days I feel like singing
I sit back and just groove the day away
Maybe pick up a guitar
And play what I want to play

Today I feel like laughing
Seems to be no reason at all
And if the world stops spinning
I'm not afraid to fall

Maybe it's too soon to be sure
But I really do believe that someday
We're gonna have it all
So I try so hard to keep the rhythm of a train
Rolling right along
When the ride gets rough you got to carry on

Carry on...

Jorgé 17/365: PB&J Can Help Heal the Cracks ;)

So the Jorgé posts have kinda been...all over the place...not in any particular order yet. And certainly not frequent enough! Yes. Guilty ;)

It's been rather...stressful, these past couple weeks at work for everyone...and in my personal life as well. I can handle stress to a certain point...over a prolonged time I tend to shut down and close in on myself. Insecurities flare-up and I start tearing myself down and the toxic thoughts about myself start to cycle through my head. This, I am sure, happens to a lot of us. And why? Why can't we give ourselves the same treatment as we give our friends and family? I treat strangers better than I treat myself at times! I'm not saying we should be selfish and only think about ourselves...but rather, that we should respect ourselves and be comfortable with who we are. Be our own friends!

In the past, I would just keep all of this to myself and that was part of the problem. That's why, awhile back, I started another 365 project. I'm still goin' strong on that (256 positives to date!) and I think it has really helped. It seems like such a simple thing...but it has really shed light on the parts of myself I've neglected or just didn't think was there...'til I forced myself to look.

I had kind of a hiccup at work today and afterwards I was lamenting about insecurities and how frustrating it was that I keep going through this cycle (thankfully, it's occurring less and less). Patti was there to lend an ear and give good advice (Lauren too!). I hope they know how much I appreciate them. Being able to work with such good friends and talk candidly about life is, to me, priceless. It's the #1 thing I love about my job.

So...this brings us to today's Jorgé pic (finally right? I wasn't expecting to go into all this!). I actually took this pic of Jorgé and my good friend Patti B several weeks ago. I thought it was appropriate for today. Isn't Patti a stone-cold stunnah? ;)

If You Want To Be Somebody Else, Change Your Mind

Thus spoke Sister Hazel. The song has an excellent message, I think. Now, I don't exactly have any desire to become somebody else entirely, afterall I am who I was intended to be...if that makes sense. I DO, however, want to become a better version of myself.

I've never understood why, when they talk about people with depression, that it's a matter of the person not having any love for him/herself. I don't believe that for a second. We are all born with self-love...it's not something that leaves us easily, if at all. I do believe that you can truly hate who you are, and I think that is when we become self-destructive. And this can come in many forms. Those who know me well know that I'm extremely tough on myself. I talk myself down a lot...but the truly toxic stuff I keep in my own head, and I've let it take over my life (I'll spare you the details). So now, I want to get my life back. Be my old self. I'm taking it one day at a time. Changing little things. One of these things is the 365 Positives project I've given myself (or +365).

The "rules" of the project are:

1. I have to write down a positive thought about myself/my life everyday...for a year.
2. The positive (+) can come from someone else, such as a compliment, but it has to have occured that day. I can't write down, for instance, what some hot guy said five years ago regarding some garbage in my back seat ...er...whatever.
3. No repeats.

I've been doing it now for 34 days. I actually use Twitter to document my positives. I think it does a good job of keeping me accountable. Because, despite how easy it sounds, some days it's really hard for me to think of something...and that's a problem. I can take any one of my family members, any one of my friends and write down 365 positives about them in one sitting, but when it comes to me...I'm at a loss. I don't see this project as egotistical, or as some "my sh*! don't stink!" proclamation. I'm not shooting to be better than anyone else. I just want to have a more positive frame of mind. I want to be comfortable with "me" and have confidence in who I am.

I was going to list out my positives so far (my plan is to post what I have every couple weeks)...but this novel needs to die...as have, by now, the few people reading this. So here's just a few.

+30/365 I have an open mind.
+18/365 I consider myself very fortunate to work with people that I absolutely adore.
+17/365 "We're so proud of you and we all love you, very much, and we're 'rooting' for you!" - Mom (Best. Family. Ever.)
+16/365 I woke up to that familiar, abusive voice screaming inside my head...but I tuned into my inner Angus and drowned that suckah OUT!
+12/365 "you're a good friend" - Jana
+9/365 Going for something you really want and getting it...ROOOOCKS! (think high falsetto)
+8/365 I laugh...A LOT.
+3/365 I don't pretend to be anything I'm not. I'm me...and I'm not interested in being anything else.
+1/365 I have a Savior. He holds the universe in his palm & yet his eye is on the sparrow. A King who sacrificed himself so that I may live.

34 down and...um..uh...some more to go! (my math sucks).